Quality Time With Pete and Deb — President Elect Trump

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about Donald Trump’s victory in the presidential election. They wrote it on November 15th.

PETE: Well, we’ve taken a full week to process Trump’s election and we’re still not done processing. No one is. If you looked at America from space you’d see that little spinning circle you get on your screen when your computer is trying to load a webpage. I have no idea where you go from here other than technically forward in time and space. But then again that assumes that the laws of physics still apply. Hold on, let me drop something and see if gravity still works.

PETE LOOKS AROUND FOR SOMETHING TO DROP, FIND HIS PHONE AND DROPS IT ON THE GROUND.

PETE: Well, gravity still works but I broke my phone. Damn you Trump!

DEB: Next time, is it possible for Matt Damon to run for President as Jason Bourne? I mean he is a real outsider if that’s what people want. He’s so outside he doesn’t even exist. I am still in a state of shock honestly. The King is coming and going from his castle in Manhattan and they are setting up security moats to keep the angry villagers away. I just can’t believe this happened. But it did, and it kinda keeps getting worse. The fact that Steve Bannon is anywhere near the White House is terrifying. This is the really scary version of Game of Thrones because the dragons are not coming to save us. Plus, all the dragons will probably die out when their habitat becomes too toxic after the EPA gets abolished. And I really wanted a dragon for Hannukah! Can’t you see how this is negatively affecting me already!!!! And also being a woman and being Jewish I no longer feel safe in this country.

PETE: The reason Trump keeps Steve Bannon around is because he’s like one of Trump’s dragons. He’s gonna keep Bannon and Giuliani and Joe Arpaio chained up in a dungeon beneath the White House. If Khaleisi is “Mother Of Dragons” Trump is “Father Of Racists”. As far as you not feeling safe as a Jewish woman I have no jokes for that other than to say at least you’re not also Hispanic, African American and a lesbian. Your picture would soon be on the walls of post offices across America. Public Enemy Number One. The Dillinger kind not the Flava Flav kind.

DEB: I really didn’t expect all the emboldened actions of hatred that have been going on all over the country after the election. I mean, he won — can you imagine what they would have done if he lost? Don’t even think about it. I have to say President Obama is being classier than ever by being so gracious in the transition. However, I wonder if there is booby-trapping going on in the White House. Maybe he hid the key to the Resolute Desk, short sheeted the Lincoln Bedroom and put whoopee cushions under all the cushions in the Oval Office. You know, harmless classic bits. Trump has good bits too, like delegitimizing the first African American president for five years. Everyone has their things they do to have fun.

PETE: I hope Trump sits down for his first address to the nation from the Oval Office and lays out a huge 10-second whoopee cushion fart on live TV. Cut to Obama stoned out of his mind sitting on his couch laughing his ass off. Obama is being amazing but also what else is he gonna do? Shoot the news cameras a sideways glance like Jim from “The Office”? It’s gotta be eating him up inside. What a personal insult from America. It’s like someone breaking up with you and then choosing your mortal enemy as their rebound relationship. “Doug? You’re dating Doug? Doug with the mullet who plays that fretless 7 string bass in the experimental jazz ensemble? This hurts, Shelly.” I said this to you already but I cannot for the life of me picture the person who voted for Bush twice, Obama twice and now Trump. Especially because that’s not some mythical creature — that’s millions of people.

DEB: I think there is this reality TV show desire in people to just “see what would happen” if Trump was President. “Well, it would be interesting to see what he would do”. I don’t know if people really thought through the consequences of it. Now I’m trying not to think through the consequences of it because I have had a headache and stomach ache since last week. But enough of my head and belly-aching. I just have to talk to Matt Damon and convince him of my plan. Also George Clooney seems pretty popular with the general public. Maybe we can run an Oceans Eleven team with him and Brad Pitt. That’s gotta work!!!!!!

PETE: President Jason Bourne is good but President Clooney, Vice President Pitt and the rest of those guys as the cabinet is incredible. Damon as Secretary of State, Don Cheadle as Secretary of Defense, Carl Reiner as Secretary of the Treasury (Jewish — it’s not anti-Semitic if I say it) Although the national Clever Disguises budget would be through the roof! And in all honesty I can see why people voted for Trump with that “let’s see what happens” rationale because I might seriously consider the Ocean’s 11 administration for the same reason. What is truly sad, and we’ve been dancing around this, is that what those people are saying is that they’re OK with racism. Not that they’re all racist but that whatever racism Trump displayed or fostered or encouraged or ignored was OK in the service of them getting a chance to “see what happens”. And for them to feel like they were heard. It will be interesting to see how pleased they are with President Trump a year from now. He can’t solve all their problems, much less in a year, much less in a single presidential term.

DEB: Being a racist is wrong. Being a sexist is wrong. Assaulting women is wrong. Threatening someone because they are Muslim is wrong. Assaulting someone because they are gay is wrong. Putting up Swastikas is wrong. Posting flyers at a university saying that you are going to round up, tar and feather those who stand up for diversity is wrong (that actually happened at Texas State this week). The KKK is wrong. Scaring young Mexican children by chanting, “Build that wall!” at them is wrong. These things should not be up for debate. But with the result of this election, we are now living in an atmosphere where these things ideas and actions are, if not blatantly, subversively condoned. I feel that something has been unleashed, like Indiana Jones opening the Arc of the Covenant and all that crazy, bad, face melting energy has flown out. Oh my gosh — I’ve got it! Harrison Ford! He was awesome in Air Force One. He could run for President! His motto could be “Get off my Plane!!!!!”

PETE: Harrison Ford would be amazing. Sexy archaeologist/space pilot/CIA pencil pusher turned hardcore agent/terrorist thwarting president/wrongfully accused doctor/whoever he was in Regarding Henry as real president? Count me in! Of course all that stuff is wrong but when you don’t think it’s going to affect you it doesn’t even register. Where’s the empathy? I think that’s what gets me the most — this is such a fuck you to Empathy. I remember in 2008 at the Republican National Convention Giuliani was giving his speech, sorry, screaming his speech, and he was mocking Obama for being a community organizer. Using that occupation as a punch line and getting tons of laughs. Ha ha ha! What a loser, looking out for other people! Sucker! That’s the ideology that won this election. (Putting aside for a second that Hillary won, last I checked, about 800,000 more in the popular vote because that’s a whole column unto itself).

DEB: Yes. It is painful how being kind and looking out for each other is sometimes seen as weak. Empathy may be down but she’s not out. We have to keep fighting for everyone’s rights. I guess I just thought we had won some of these fights already. But it goes on. It’s going to be a long four years but we can get through it. My Dad has a great saying, “I killed old Can’t a long time ago and I kicked old Couldn’t til he could.” He grew up in the dust bowl during the depression a sharecropper’s son. Maybe this is when we see what we’re made of.

THE THEME SONG FROM OCEAN’S ELEVEN IS HEARD. IN THROUGH THE DOOR COMES GEORGE CLOONEY, BRAD PITT, DON CHEADLE AND CARL REINER.

CLOONEY: We’ve had time to think about, and we’re in.

DEB: How did you-

PITT: Let’s just say when a good idea gets floated out there, we find out about it.

CHEADLE: No worries, love. We’re gonna right the ship.

REINER: It just may take a while.

THE THEME SONG FROM AIR FORCE ONE PLAYS. (Whatever that was.)

HARRISON FORD ENTERS AS PRESIDENT JAMES MARSHALL.

HARRISON FORD: What the hell is going on?

DEB: Here comes the cavalry.

THE THEME SONG FROM JASON BOURNE PLAYS. (“Up Where We Belong”? That’s not right… Whatever it was.)

MATT DAMON ENTERS THE ROOM SNEAKILY AS IF WE CAN’T SEE HIM. WE ARE ALL SILENT BUT CAN TOTALLY SEE HIM. HE CROSSES THE ROOM TO A FRAMED PAINTING ON THE LIVING ROOM WALL. HE CAREFULLY TAKES IT DOWN AND REVEALS A SAFE. HE PUTS HIS EAR NEXT TO THE SAFE, CLOSES HIS EYES AND BEGINS TO TURN THE KNOB.

BRAD PITT (Whispering to Clooney): I love this shit.

MATT DAMON OPENS THE SAFE, REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT A STACK OF CASH, MULTIPLE PASSPORTS AND A SMALL HANDGUN. HE POCKETS IT ALL, CLOSES THE SAFE AND LEAVES THE ROOM.

DEB: Well he wasn’t as helpful as I thought he’d be.

PETE: OK wait, so Matt Damon just came in and stole a bunch of passports? And Don Cheadle, you know you’re not British, right? That was just your character from the movie

DON CHEADLE: Get off my plane!

PETE: That’s not even your line! That’s Harrison Ford’s line.

HARRISON FORD: I’m getting too old for this shit.

PETE: And that’s not your line. That’s Danny Glover from Lethal Weapon.

HARRISON FORD: No, I mean I’m actually getting too old for this shit. I’m out of here.

HARRISON FORD JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW AND FALLS NINE STORIES ONTO A PILE OF NYC STREET GARBAGE.

PETE: Yup, gravity still works. Well Deb, I think we’ve proven something here today. Any idea what that might be cause I have no clue.

DEB: At least we now know we have that safe. That’s pretty cool.

PETE: Yeah, I guess we can hide in there when the Bannon Brigade comes for us. Ah… good times.