Quality Time With Pete and Deb — The Holidays

Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about “The Holidays”. They wrote it on December 9th

PETE: (Singing) It’s the most wonderful time of the year… (Speaking normally) But is it though? The weather starts to get bad, my sinuses go crazy, I feel like I’m getting a cold every morning, every store is more crowded than New Delhi and the government gives us mind control drugs to keep us shopping and calls then “Flu Shots”. So, you know, bah humbug.

DEB: Hey! Hands off my mind control drugs that keep me shopping — me likey. I’ve been trying to get in the holiday spirit, looking at The Vermont Country Store catalogue a lot and buying Hannukah candles and humidifiers. That last part is for your sinuses so Merry Chrismaquanzihannukah already. It hasn’t even snowed yet. Maybe that’s what is delaying the festive vibe. I did get the dog some cute holiday sweaters so at least I’m on top of something. I’m also trying to lay off the news a little bit but it’s impossible. Probably because I am addicted to it, so there’s that. Anyway — what’s your favorite holiday movie or TV show? And don’t say Bruce Springsteen’s “Very Special Christmas Show” cause I don’t think there was one. I think mine is The Charlie Brown Christmas show.

PETE: My favorite Christmas Special is Morris Goldstein’s “Complaining About The Noise Coming From The Goyishe Neighbors Fakakta Christmas Party”. It’s an hour of a 70 year old Jewish man yelling at his wife about the noise is upstairs neighbors are making. Then at the end he sings “Oh Tannenbaum”. Seriously though I was just thinking that Christmas is the one time of the year that I understand what it’s like to feel like a total outsider in America. Being Jewish we didn’t celebrate Christmas growing up so I have all the cultural references like Charlie Brown Christmas (which really is my favorite) but I don’t have the warm fuzzy Christmas feelings. It’s always been very much of a spectator sport for me.

DEB: Yes, the only sport you don’t gamble on! Okaaaaaaaaay! Just kidding. Although it would be fun to bet on the family gatherings. You could put money down that a certain person says something really offensive in the first hour of the visit. I’ve got $20 on Uncle Albert. You might think “offensive” isn’t specific enough. You could make specific bets. It could be something racist, sexist, xenophobic, or something personal like “Maybe if you lost some weight you’d find a husband.” Or, “Are you ever going back to work?” You know fun stuff like that. Get to know your family well enough and you could really clean up! Wow, now I’m really looking forward to getting together with everyone! God bless us all, everyone!

PETE: Well that’s the thing, isn’t it? “The Holidays” are so loaded and so overhyped that they can never live up to their expectations. Who has ever had the “perfect” Christmas you see on commercials? A family sitting around the table, expertly cooked goose with those little white slippers they put on poultry feet, everyone wearing a festive sweater and even though the patterns and colors are different somehow they all match, all 4 grandparents are healthy and there playing with grandkids, who all those little slippers you put on grandkid feet, even a few in-laws who somehow seem to be getting along with everyone. Then Dad walks in from being away at war for a year (he’s the real gift they’ve all been waiting for) and he takes everyone outside and there’s a Lexus with a bow on it in the driveway. Then Bing Crosby plays, fade to black, go to sleep, don’t wake up til the day after next Thanksgiving.

DEB: I love it when the parents take the kids out to the driveway with the wrapped up new car and the little boy says, “Did Santa bring me a new bike?” And then the Dad says, “I guess Santa thought it would be best for the family if he got this souped up sports car for Daddy! I must have been very good this year!” No, I think you have been bad. Very, very bad. And you will probably keep being bad. Oh Gosh — please excuse me — I just fell into a big hole of Bah Hum Bug and I can’t get out. I’m gonna have to get one of those Holliday Attitude Life Alert necklaces I can push when I get like this and then the Victorian carol singers can come and sing me out of it!!!!!

PETE: Ahh!!! The idea of a marauding gang of Victorian carolers busting into our apartment like the Kool-Aid man scared the crap out of me. I think it’s OK to be neutral about Christmas but it’s clearly is the only holiday that you kind of get shit for if you’re not into it. People don’t call you a Scrooge if you don’t have Halloween decorations up, they just don’t ring your doorbell and then throw rotten eggs at your house. Maybe July 4th is the other holiday that you kind of have to be into. Yeesh, especially now. I bet next year at July 4th every Muslim family’s house will look like the outside of an American flag store.

DEB: Maybe someone could put out a public service announcement type of commercial that features Tiny Tim (not the singer but the character from A Christmas Carol) surrounded by immigrants saying, “God bless us all, everyone.” And everybody hugs. Maybe The Hallmark Channel could make that happen. Isn’t that a sweet thought? Just a quick question here — in A Christmas Carol, did Tiny Tim’s leg get better? I can’t remember. I’m gonna be positive and say it did. And if he passed away in that story I don’t want to know. I gotta order that Holiday Attitude Life Alert necklace. Stat.

PETE: Yeah at the end he gets a new leg from Santa and they kind of pop the bad leg off and screw the new one on. But then right at the end of the book you find out that they gave him the leg of a notorious murderer. Cliffhanger! In the sequel Tiny Tim goes around London killing people with his leg and Sherlock Holmes has to try to stop him. The original one, not the Cumberbatch one.

DEB: Ok, that sounds right. It’s kind of like what happens at the end of Frosty the Snowman. They play it off all sweet and happy that he melts at the end but he’ll be back next year. I mean, how did he melt? I don’t think he melted of natural causes if you know what I mean. PS — that is a terrible ending to a children’s story. It’s like that song, “Ring around the Rosie, pocket full of Posies — ashes, ashes — we all fall down”. That was about the Black Plague and people use to carry posies with them to cover the smell of death that lingered everywhere… Merry Christmas.

PETE: Um… are you ok?

DEB: Where are those carolers when you need them?

PETE: They’re never coming. I know sometimes while we’re writing this blog people seem to show up out of nowhere and enter the conversation but once you described those carolers I thought it was only a matter of time before they came in here and tried to cheer us up so I’ve bolted the door and reinforced the walls with steel beams (Chinese steel just like our President-Elect likes. Ooh, sweet Trump burn!) Aren’t you supposed to be the happy one who loves Christmas and defends it against my cynical attacks? Please don’t make me defend Christmas. I honestly don’t know how. I mean sure, it’s over commercialized and watered down but I guess there is something there at its core. Hope, right? Hope that in the New Year we might all be infused with a more gracious spirit and live up to the actual acts and words of the man whose birth we’re supposed to be celebrating.

“LITTLE DRUMMER BOY” SLOWLY BEGINS TO PLAY AS PETE’S VOICE GETS LOUDER AND MORE ENTHUSIASTIC.

PETE: And that it’s not about meeting unrealistic expectations, it’s about the fact that we’ll never meet them but we try just the same. It’s about… Oh crap. I just did it, didn’t I? I defended Christmas.

DEB: Well I guess if no one is coming to save us –

JESUS APPEARS IN A BEAUTIFUL GLOW.

DEB: Holy –

JESUS: Don’t say it-.

DEB: How’d you get past the steel beams?

JESUS: Really? C’mon guys. I wasn’t just a carpenter, I also worked with metal.

DEB: Cool, like being an arc welder?

JESUS: Well, I apprenticed but I never got fully certified. If I had lived in your time I would have wanted to be on a rivet gang like the ones who built the Empire State Building. Those were amazing artisans and so brave.

DEB: Cool. (AWKWARD SILENCE) Um… Can I help you with something or…

JESUS: No. Actually I’m here to help you. You both have been so down in the dumps lately I just wanted to drop by and let you know everything is going to be OK.

DEB: That’s really sweet. I needed to hear that.

JESUS: OK — Later.

HE TURNS TO LEAVE.

DEB: Wait — can I ask you a personal question?

JESUS: Sure. Is it about the Empire State Building? Did you know it was built in 13 months? Incredible!

DEB: You seem to know a lot about The Empire State Building.

JESUS: I’m watching The American Experience on the history of New York. It’s like seven DVD’s so it’s taking me forever but it is soooo interesting. Plus I get really busy this time of year and have to remember to make some “me time”. I’m sorry, what was your question?

DEB: Are you… mad at me that I converted to Judaism?

JESUS: Not at all. I don’t take that personally. Everyone has to walk their own path. That reminds me a bit of a story of Fiorello LaGuardia, one of the great mayors of New York –

PETE: Oh look, the door is suddenly open and someone else needs you. Very far away from here. Immediately.

JESUS: Do they want to hear about the Empire State Building?

PETE: … Sure

JESUS: Hot dog! Well, so long you two. And remember, if you really want to get me a birthday present be nice to each other. And watch that speech that Linus gives in the Charlie Brown Christmas special. It’s pretty much 95% of what I’d say. Adios!

JESUS WALKS OUT THE DOOR, WHICH CLOSES BEHIND HIM. THEN OPENS AGAIN AND CHARLIE BROWN ENTERS.

CHARLIE BROWN: That’s what Christmas is all about.

JESUS (FROM THE HALLWAY): Let’s go Chuck. We got a lotta stops to make tonight.

CHARLIE BROWN: Good Grief.

HE EXITS.

DEB: OK. I feel better, warm and fuzzy. How bout you?

PETE: Much better. Plus the Flu Shot I had earlier is kicking in. Let’s go shopping!