Quality Time With Pete and Deb — White House Leaks
Peter Grosz and Debra Downing are alums of The Second City Theater, writers, actors and husband and wife, living in Brooklyn, NY. This piece was composed at home on their computer exactly as you see it. One person would write and the other would respond, essentially like an improvised written “conversation”. The content was not pre-planned. They only decided to talk about the leaks coming out of the White House. They wrote on February 3rd.
PETE: For those who aren’t totally up to date on what we’ll be discussing, here’s a quick primer that I think is an unbiased description of what’s going on. Career employees and non-partisan civil servants in various parts of the government, including the White House have been leaking information to the press that describes behind the scenes actions of Trump and his advisers. Here’s a not unbiased description of why they’re doing it: THEY’RE AFRAID A MANIAC HAS BEEN ELECTED AND THE MANIAC HIRED A DEMON AS HIS CHIEF STRATEGIST AND TOGETHER THEY’RE GOING TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!!
DEB: When are Aaron Eckhart and Gerard Butler going step in and save us all? I’m just trying to be the voice of reason here. How many Deep Throats are there now? I guess we’ll have to come up with a bunch of cool code names for each one. How about, “Scampi”? No — too close to Shrimp Scampi. What about “The Faucet” — you know, on account of the leak? What about, “The Bean Spiller”? No — that sounds too much like Ben Stiller, who I’m not ruling out as an informer. I can’t wait to see All The President’s Men 2, but living through it isn’t as much fun as seeing the movie in a few years.
PETE: I don’t think any of those nicknames are too silly. “Deep Throat” was a porn reference after all. I love the idea of seeing All The President’s Men 2 and Sam Waterston (arguably the new Hal Holbrook) stepping out of the shadows of a parking garage and Andrew Garfield playing an intrepid reporter says, “Thanks for meeting me here, Scampi.” That would make me very happy. I wonder who these people are who are doing the leaking. I hope there’s a White House operator who sits at a switchboard and pulls out and plugs in wires and listens to every phone call. And it’s Lily Tomlin.
DEB: Thank God. Wait a minute, in the movie, does Dabney Coleman play Trump and we have a whole “9 to 5 Two” situation on our hands? OK- now I’m interested. Dolly Parton and Jane Fonda may be into this! I know I am!
PETE: Well I bet Trump would love to be into Dolly Parton! Hi-yo! You know, cause he’s a perv. If these leaks are coming from civil servants and other staff those people are very brave. They could lose their jobs after all. But what if they’re coming from Jared Kushner? To try and discredit and fuck with Bannon? Or from Bannon or get Trump to crack down even more on White House staff and purge everyone who doesn’t take a loyalty blood oath? Or from Trump himself because he’s trying to… I don’t know what the hell he’d be trying to do but I do know he cray!
DEB: Oh what a tangled web we weave. I’m just glad people are standing up in whatever way they can. I feel so bad about the way Trump spoke to the Australian Prime Minister. I’m embarrassed and feel like we should send him some “make up” roses and a thoughtful note with baby kangaroos on it saying, “Dearest Mate, please forgive the harsh words the other day. We meant to say, ‘You were the best call of the day!’ And by the way, thank you for taking care of all those refugees for so long (sorry they were called illegal immigrants in prisons — oops! That was not nice). Please forgive us, we hope we can be friends again; we need all we can get! Big hugs, The American people. PS — please don’t tell the President we sent this. He doesn’t like it when we disagree with him.”
PETE: First of all, that’s the longest message on any greeting card in history. It’d be 15 pages long, like a Cheesecake Factory menu. Second of all, I kind of love the idea that Trump was so happy with his travel ban executive order and felt all powerful about keeping dangerous refugee women and children out of the country and then someone told him “Um… by the way, we already signed up to take all these other refugees” and he flipped his lid. Then he got all pissy and took it out on the Prime Minister. So to recap, a 70 year old man, when told he had to be nice to innocent people, reacted the way our 7 year old son does when we tell him he has to do his homework before he can watch TV.
DEB: I think we are in for four years of him acting out in weird ways at weird times at anyone. There, now don’t you feel better? Oh my Trump Stomach!
PETE: That’s it! You stumbled upon the true conflict of interest of the Trump presidency. It isn’t all the money he’s going to earn from foreign governments or that he’s in cahoots with Putin. He bought a majority stake in Pepto Bismol and is raking in billions of dollars from liberals trying to control their Trump-related upset stomachs! It’s Peptogate!
DEB: I knew we’d get to the bottom of it! This is totally random but while I was watching Sean Spicer the other day getting so defensive at a Press Conference, I had a strange thought. I believe the current Press Briefing room is built over an old swimming pool that was installed by FDR. I’m sure there is no water in it now, but I just had this image of a briefing happening and Spicer getting so frustrated with reporters that he pushes a button and the floor slowly moves aside and all the reporters fall into the freshly filled pool. Kind of like that scene in “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Except the movie we are living in is called “Oh, It’s Worse Than I Thought.”
PETE: It’s the feel bad movie of the year! That also just made me think of an even more bizarre possibility about these leaks. It’s Sean Spicer. The press secretary who is so upset with the bullshit he has to shovel to the press that in order to keep his own sanity he leaks the real truth out on the DL. Because while on one hand he looks like he enjoys yelling at and bullying the press I also feel like there’s a world in which he leaves every press briefing dazed and shaking, then walks back to the oval office where Trump is waiting and he makes Spicer get down on all fours, shoves a ball gag in his mouth then pokes him in the eye with a sharpened stick he’s dipped in tobacco sauce and screams “Meaner, Sean!!! Be Meaner!!!” at him until Spicer breaks down crying and pees his pants. Then Trump says, “I’m sorry we quarreled” like Patrick Bergin in “Sleeping With The Enemy” and they go out for ice cream.
DEB: OK, this is so weird you referenced that movie because I almost put, “I’m sorry we quarreled” in the “forgive me” note to Australia but I thought it was too dark. Apparently not.
PETE: No. Nothing is off limits or unrealistic. Honestly, I think that’s why these career government people are freaking out. They just haven’t seen anything like this before. And I know that Trump supporters would say “Exactly! He’s a disrupter and he’s going to shake up Washington.” Well what if when it comes to shaking, Washington is less like a freshly squeezed juice and more like a baby. The less the better.
DEB: Disruption for the sake of disruption. When the rest of the world is already in a state of disruption people look to America as a steady hand they can reach out to. Or they used to. Now if you do that you might get your hand slapped.
PETE: Or worse! Someone might hang up the phone on you. Yeah, I’m not sure what the end game is. Piss off our enemies and our allies, break treaties, withhold money from international organizations and miraculously get everyone to respect you? Maybe our time as an empire is just on the wane. People get sick of the responsibility of running shit and being the preeminent power in the world. I mean, the Dutch, the Spanish and the English all used to be the World Cop and now they’re just lucky to be in the World Cup. WHOO! I DID IT! PUN OF THE CENTURY! WHO SAYS AMERICA’S BEST DAYS ARE BEHIND US?! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
DEB: I love this country but that chanting really gets on my nerves.
THE FLOOR BENEATH DEB’S FEET BEGINS TO MOVE.
PETE: Um, Deb? Remember when I asked you if our apartment was built on top of an old swimming pool and you said “No”?
DEB: Yes.
PETE: And remember when I asked you if our apartment was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground?
DEB: Yes.
PETE: Did I ever ask you if our apartment was built on top of an ancient Indian burial swimming pool?
THE FLOOR MOVES ASIDE TO REVEAL A SWIMMING POOL. DEB FALLS IN.
DEB: Well at least I’m wearing a swimsuit today.
PETE: Is this a metaphor for the sinking of our democracy or the leaks coming out of the White House? Or neither of those things?
DEB: Don’t ask me, it’s 20 degrees outside and I’m wearing a swimsuit. I gotta do laundry at some point.
PETE: You do have to do laundry. Wait a second… Oh no. “Laundry” is Steve Bannon’s secret service code name!!!! We’re doomed.
PETE JUMPS INTO THE SWIMMING POOL PLANNING TO DROWN HIMSELF BUT IT’S ONLY 3 FEET DEEP.
PETE: OUCH! I broke my foot on the bottom of the pool. Did they get rid of Obamacare yet?
